The Art of Communication - Effective Listening

Well in tune with communication this week I have entered into a new medium of communication, the video and ‘You Tube’. Seems the right thing to do after all! So without further ado why not watch what I have to say regarding effective listening………

The Art of Communication - Styles

There are undoubtedly many different ways we might consider when communicating, in this log we are going to focus on 4 styles that people typically employ in order to achieve an outcome: tell, sell, discuss and empower.

TELL

Tell is the style that often comes most naturally to people, liking the sound of their own voices!.  Throughout life, most people will themselves have been told what to do by others in authority, whether by parents, teachers, or more senior people within the workplace, so it not surprising that they naturally take on this style themselves.  Tell is a one-way style of communication used to convey information related to what to do and, if required, how to do it.   

In this way, tell is useful in those situations where people don’t know what to do or how to do it and therefore have to be told.  It is also useful in those situations when we want to maintain control or authority, or when we have limited time, there is a sense of urgency, and we need to do things quickly.  However, tell has its limitations too.  On the one hand, tell doesn’t require a person to think for themselves, only to do what they’re told, and does nothing for their ability to do so.  On the other hand, people don’t generally like being told what to do, particularly if they believe they already know what to do and how to do it.  And tell conveys little ownership to the person being told such that, by retaining control, the teller ultimately remains responsible.

SELL

Sell is the style adopted by many people as they become more experienced at communicating.  Traditionally sell is a one-way style of communication based upon tell, but one in which an explanation of the reasons why to do something, typically in the form of benefits and consequences, are introduced. 

In this way, sell is useful in those situations where a person needs to “buy into”, be convinced or be motivated in order to take action.  However, whilst sell does involve an explanation of the reasons for doing things, these reasons are most often those of the seller, such that their motives might not necessarily motivate the person being sold.  Consequently, any motivation that is derived runs the risk of being externally rather than intrinsically driven, whilst the style itself can often appear manipulative.  In these situations, the seller typically has to work quite hard in order to convince people and, if this doesn’t work, the person ends up being told. 

DISCUSS

Discuss is a two-way style of communication in which another person is invited to participate and share points of view before a decision is arrived at together. 

In this way, discuss is useful in those situations where two minds are better than one, where the knowledge, skills and experiences of another person can assist the creative-thinking and problem-solving processes by which joint decisions are made.  It is also a useful style with which to make people feel valued and that their own opinions and experiences count.  In doing so, it is a style that conveys joint ownership and responsibility.  However, by its very nature, discuss is a style that requires at least one other person, whilst differing opinions without prior agreement as to how final decisions will be arrived at can often lead to conflict.  The very nature of discussion, meanwhile, often means that it can take a lot of time, whilst extended discussions without clear guidelines and agenda run the very real risk of being “all talk, no action”.

EMPOWER

Empower can be considered both a one and two-way style of communication.  As a one-way style, it is fundamentally linked to the concept of delegation, whereby one person tells another person to do things for and by themselves.  As a two-way style, meanwhile, it involves an empowered person having a discussion with themselves. 

In this way, empower is useful in those situations where we want to make

people wholly responsible, enable them to do what they do best, and give them ownership.  It is also useful in those situations when there is no one else, such that the person has to be able to do things for and by themselves.  At the same time, it frees up the time of the person delegating to focus on other things.  However, true empowerment requires that a person has both the knowledge and skills to do the job combined with the confidence and motivation to make their own decisions.  At the same time, the person delegating needs to have confidence in the person they are empowering in order to be able to delegate.  And whilst time might be something the person delegating may well want to gain, control and authority are often things they don’t want to lose.

 

 

and when it all gets a little confusing:

 

 

The GROW Model

The GROW Model is a tool which can help you or your coach to set goals and develop the action plan.  Whilst it is most commonly used in the context of one-on-one coaching, it can be employed in the context of personal goal setting too as a gauge to ensuring the goal is truly attainable. The GROW Model is essentially a framework for directing effective questions about the goal and its achievement.  It consists of 4 stages:

 

Goal: This stage involves us focusing your attention solely on the goal that you desire.  Here it is important that we employ all the tools and guidelines applicable to goals and the goal setting process.  The outcome of this stage should be a goal that is both clearly and precisely defined; accepting of course that it may well change in the future.  It will almost certainly require a self dialog and asking yourself questions, such as “what do I want to achieve”, “how might I make this goal more specific”, “how can I make this goal measurable” and “do I really think that my goal is achievable by me through my own efforts”?  We might also ask ourselves, “are there any sub-goals that I might include as milestones to reaching my goal” and “when do I want to have achieved my goal by”? Many of the questions can be formed though the SMART approach.

 

Reality: This stage involves us considering your current situation by reflecting upon where you are “now” in relation to the goal.  This must be done objectivity, however it is very easy at this stage to allow limiting beliefs to creep

in; be cautious.  Often people distort their reality with the opinions, judgements, expectations and beliefs of other people, in addition to those that they undoubtedly hold themselves.  For this reason it is important you maintain a degree of detachment and be descriptive rather than evaluative.  At the end of this stage it is usually worth checking that the original goal that we made is still valid and holds a level of priority, a solid reason why.  Many people find that they need to amend it in light of what they have learned about themselves during the reality stage.  The type of questions you ask yourself may include, “what is my current situation now with respect to my goal”, ”how close to my goal am I”, “what are the reasons for this” and “how do I think achieving my goal will make me think, feel and act in the future”? 

 

Options: Having looked at the reality of the current situation, this stage involves considering the options available in terms of how you might make the goal a reality.  It is important to recognise, however, that the purpose of this stage is not so much to find the “right” answer, as it is to create and list as many alternatives as possible.  In doing so, you should continually try to think “outside of the box”, whilst reflecting objectively on the relative strengths and weakness of each option, what things we might already have in support of each option, and yet other things you might need.  Throughout this stage you must

remain aware of negative assumptions such as “that option wouldn’t work” or “I wouldn’t be allowed to do that”.  By asking yourself effective questions, or better still getting other people to ask them, such as your coach, you can over-ride this negative and self-limiting tendency and challenge the reality of our situation by asking ourselves “what are the reasons for me thinking this way”.  Similarly, the “what if” approach often produces yet more options.  In this way you may ask yourself, “what if I had more time” or “what if this wasn’t the case”.  Often, however, you might be unable to see an option that someone else can, so be open to suggestion.  Here, you may ask others, “are there any options that I haven’t yet considered?”  But having asked the question we must at least be prepared to consider the answer!  Examples of other questions that you might ask during this stage might include “how might I achieve this goal”, “how have other people achieved similar goals” and “what other options might I have open to me”?

 

Will: Whilst the Options stage is about what you “could” do, the Will stage is about what you “will” do.  This is arguably the most important stage because it is the one in which decisions are made and from which action is derived.  It is during this stage that you ask yourself “what option/'s will I choose?”  Having run down our list of options and summarised them, you may well have just one preferred option that you wish to act upon or several that you wish to implement at once.  Alternatively you may prioritise several options on the basis of “if that doesn’t work then I’ll do this”.  Once you have made your choice, it is often a good idea to check that our chosen course of action will help achieve your goal.  It is then essential to commit to your time scale by asking ourselves, “when will I start working towards my goal?”  If we have employed the GROW Model properly, committing to our action plan in this way is the natural conclusion to the goal setting process.

This is a great web site

21 - 30 Days to change

Back in the 70s NASA conducted a study, astronauts
were fitted 24 hours a day with goggles that inverted their visual fields. This visually turned their entire world upside down. To monitor the stress of constant inversion, physiological responses, such as higher blood pressure and heart rate, were tracked. It was not until around the 21 days of wearing the glasses, that the astronauts began to mentally accept their altered world and show physical signs of being unstressed and comfortable in their new environment. In fact, some of the astronauts took off their goggles for a period of time and they found that the reconditioning started again. This means that you need consistent, daily focus and attention over a 21 day span.

So What? The Bottom Line Up Front (BLUF) regards the need to be consistent in change, if you allow a set period (significant period) between 21 - 30 days to master the change of a habit it will and is more likely to become a replacement of the habit. Here in the TED video Matt Cutts highlights this as trying something new for 30 days.  So go on have a go try something new, but don't take my word for it.......

SMARTER Goal's, now we've got you going

Defining our goal is particularly important because our subconscious requires very clear instructions of what we want.  Any vagueness or self doubt when defining our goals will result in a poor picture a weak vision of what you will achieve.  

 

'SMARTER' is a useful memory tool with which to remember the fundamental principles of effective goal setting, explore our goals more fully, and ensure that they are as clearly and precisely defined as possible.

Specific: Your goal or goals should be always be clearly and positively defined, the why you need to achieve it.  In this way, they should relate to outcomes and actions that are specific rather than ones that are general.  Rather than simply say that we are going to be a better manager or that we are going to get fitter, we should be looking to describe in exactly what way we are going to be a better manager and in exactly what way we are going to get fitter. Note if you are unable to articulate clearly the why, the likelihood is 'ITs NOT A GOAL'!

 

Measurable: Our goals should also be measurable such that we have a benchmark against which to monitor our progress on a weekly, daily, hourly basis...you get the idea.  In order to do so, we should be asking ourselves how we will know when we are a better manager and how will we know when we are fitter.  If we look at the goal setting process as a path that we intend to follow, we need to know where the path starts and where the path ends.  We also need to have established milestones along the way in order to ensure that we are not deviating from the path that we have chosen.

Attainable: Many people set goals that are completely out of reach for them or knowingly impossible to achieve.  Although this practice is clearly self-defeating, many people do this in order to have a built-in excuse for not achieving their goals.  We must always have a realistic chance of reaching our goals, combined with a belief that we can reach them, in order to stay committed to them.  This is the essence of “realistic” goal setting, although we must be careful how we use this term – extraordinary things are not achieved by realistic people!  The use of “fantastic” goals – those that relate more to the original dreams and aspirations that motivated us towards making our goals in the first place – can be extremely useful too.  Incorporated within our visualisation they can be extremely motivational and help support our realistic goals – so long as we employ them appropriately.
 
Repeatable: Your goals should achieve long term change.  Short-term and intermediate goals (sub-goals), meanwhile, provide useful “stepping stones” that can help us to maintain our focus.  In order to do this, however, our goals not only have to be measurable – they need to be repeatable too.  This also helps in monitoring our progress towards our goals.

Time-phased: In order for our goals to be measured in any real way they need to be time-phased.  All to often people have goals that they are going to commit to “someday”.  Goals such as these are very rarely achieved – and certainly not within the timeframe originally intended.  Having developed an action plan we should immediately place a “start” and “achievement” date on our goals and use this time scale to monitor our progress.
 
Exciting and Fun: Many people set goals that are so low as to present no challenge to them.  Often this is because their goals are ones that they feel that they “should” be working towards rather than ones that they really “want” to work towards.   Sometimes it is because they have borrowed someone else’s goals rather than deciding upon their own.  Goals should be motivating and, as such, need to be exciting.  If our goals do not excite us, we need to redefine and upgrade them or exchange them altogether. And remember to enjoy the journey.

Recorded: Recording our goals is extremely important – both by communicating them to other people and simply writing them down.  By doing so we provide ourselves with prominent permanent reminders of what we want to achieve and how we are going to achieve it.  In this way, the use of goal setting cards can be extremely useful in helping us to maintain focus on our goals, whilst written agreements, pledges and declarations can enhance our level of commitment by tying us into a “psychological contract”.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, YOU’VE GOT THE HOW TO SET YOUR GOALS, KNOW THE LIMITATIONS YOU POSSESS AND NOW HOW, SO DO IT, MOVE YOUR LIFE FORWARD AND ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS. BE WHO YOU DEFINE YOURSELF AS!

The Why

The Why Guy, one of TEDs talk top 20 for good reason.

BARRIERS TO GOAL SETTING

Did you set your goals? No why not? Lets have a look at the Barriers to Goal setting....

Whilst goal setting undoubtedly has massive and proven benefits, there are a number of barriers that will, has or may prevent YOU from setting them! 

 
All too many people have never heard of goal setting and do not appreciate its power and benefits: For others, goal setting may make them feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, or amuse them because they have never been through the process before and are unfamiliar with it.  
 
Some people have heard of goal setting but might not understand the benefits of goal setting: And even when people do understand the benefits, many are still uncertain as to how to set goals and the process involved.  If we are unsure as to the benefits of goal setting, we need only consider peak performers, their levels of performance and what they achieve, and what they do that makes them peak performers – goal setting will invariably be “in there” somewhere. A good starting point is to re-read the last blog and then make a commitment to yourself. 
 
Some people have a fear of rejection: Some people might understand the importance of goal setting but be afraid that other people might laugh at their goals or make “fun” of them for wanting to improve their performance and achieve more.  By declaring our goals to other people we always risk ridicule or rejection by other people.  This is especially true of people who are afraid that we might “out-achieve” them, or people that have low self-esteem themselves and feel threatened by our goals. Are you a VICTIM or VICTOR? Although we often need other people to support our goals, it is often a good idea to be selective as to whom we share them with, whilst we can always use a person’s comments of rejection as a form of personal motivation.
 
Some people have a fear of failure: Invariably some people believe that it is “better not to have tried at all, than to have tried and failed”. Remember there is no such thing as failure, only feedback.  By writing down our goals we put them into perspective and become committed to them.  Unfortunately, this can sometimes create a problem when we have low self-esteem ourselves, or when we may not totally believe in our ability to achieve our goals.  As a result, we may be reluctant to declare what we want and set goals in case failure to achieve them leads to de-motivation and a further lowering of self-esteem.  However, if we set a goal and achieve only 50% of that which we would hope to achieve, it is still 50% more than we would have achieved if we had not set goals in the first place!  Whilst we might not achieve everything that we dream of, we can never achieve anything unless we at least dream of it first!
 
Some people have a fear of success: Strange as it may sound, some people find that continued failure provides a certain sense of security.  Such people invariably like to blame their failure on external factors or other people because it absolves them of personal responsibility.  For others, repeated failure might make other people feel sorry for them and provide them with a certain sense of belonging or importance.  They fear success, therefore, because by achieving it, their attention is inextricably drawn to the potential that resides within them.  This forces them to take personal responsibility for their actions and results and can makes them feel uncomfortable.  Or they might fear losing the sympathy of others as an “acknowledged failure” for whom nothing has gone right in the past.  It is only by taking personal responsibility, however, that we can start to realise our goals and our true potential in the future.

So what are your barriers? What's really stopping you from achieving your dreams?